I haven't been on here for a while so am going to try again - even though I know it is not being read by anyone else - this reminds me of colwich novitiate blog when I wrote every day and became very addicted to it. I would check to see if there were any questions sometimes several times a day and even then knew that I was far too attached to it. It started to take over and I think it ruined my religious life whilst I was there. Hindsight is a great and painful thing.
Well, the fitbit. For 3 days I was very very focussed and did over 10.000 steps. I also bought a new bike and gave my old one away on a local free site. As I was also doing step aerobics using a you tube video and using my air walker I was feeling very good about myself. But then - the weather changed and it has been damp and grey so I haven't been able to cycle since getting my bike. I also got very down and have been struggling emotionally so have lost all motivation and stopped caring about myself too - from finding that a friend is getting some help with her illness whilst my referral is being ignored and me then feeling very very rejected. I know it's not her fault but it's hard to know that she is going to a support group very near to my home and I can't go to it, when she lives miles and miles away. I have had to back off from her and don't go onto that facebook page that I had now.
Gosh must get away from all of this and just try radical acceptance. This blog is not about my illness though it does get in the way.
I was also down when I found that despite being so good with exercise and my diet I had put 5 pounds on which makes no sense and the mood I am in makes me want to give up. I don't know how to get back into gear again. Today is also cold, damp and grey so I won't be going out. Now i have a new bike I am itching to use it and get out but that isn't going to happen again today. Maybe when the weather improves I will.
Wednesday, 11 February 2015
Monday, 2 February 2015
Step aerobics
Today I started to use my stepper with this you tube video
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qNAeuOs866Y
I managed half way without stopping then had to have a short break before I did the rest. I found it exhausting and a lot harder than using my air walker; I was also shocked at how bad I feel and it really emphasises how unfit I have become. Hopefully doing this every day will increase my fitness levels a lot and help the weight to drop off.
www.jennyford.com
There are many more fitness videos on the site, so if step is not for you there is something else to choose from. For now I am sticking with step and walking though i do have hand weights that i can bring in when i feel ready - phew not for a while yet though methinks lol.
Reading my fitbit I slept even less last night - again around five and a half hours out of almost 12 which shocked me. I am so tired all the time but not sleeping.
I am going to track it for a few weeks then ask my GP about sleep apnoea as I remember waking up a few times knowing i had stopped breathing and really fighting to start again. It is very very scary. He may say it is due to my weight gain but it's not- I have been like it for years but I do think the weight is making it worse.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qNAeuOs866Y
I managed half way without stopping then had to have a short break before I did the rest. I found it exhausting and a lot harder than using my air walker; I was also shocked at how bad I feel and it really emphasises how unfit I have become. Hopefully doing this every day will increase my fitness levels a lot and help the weight to drop off.
www.jennyford.com
There are many more fitness videos on the site, so if step is not for you there is something else to choose from. For now I am sticking with step and walking though i do have hand weights that i can bring in when i feel ready - phew not for a while yet though methinks lol.
Reading my fitbit I slept even less last night - again around five and a half hours out of almost 12 which shocked me. I am so tired all the time but not sleeping.
I am going to track it for a few weeks then ask my GP about sleep apnoea as I remember waking up a few times knowing i had stopped breathing and really fighting to start again. It is very very scary. He may say it is due to my weight gain but it's not- I have been like it for years but I do think the weight is making it worse.
Sunday, 1 February 2015
I'm back
I haven't been on here for a while because I have had things going on in my life but here I am again and trying to commit to posting at least every other day.
It's been nearly 3 weeks now since I started to try to diet and apart from the initial 3.5 pounds my weight has not changed and i am very disappointed so felt like giving up. My food intake has been low and maybe it has been too low - I have only had 2 small meals a day so maybe I need to eat more but I just don't have any appetite which is amazing. Sometimes I do have cravings and did give in to some a couple of days ago and ate more - 6 small bags of cheese puffs over 2 days and a lot of toast and butter. I went onto a calorie counter site and found that the bread alone pushed my intake up a lot and I was shocked.
I am trying to improve my fitness instead as this must be the way to lose calories instead of food - I have heard on diet related programmes that diet is only a small part of losing weight and that exercise plays the bigger part so I am going to have to bite the bullet and do some. I really don't want to though. I have got very comfortable and cosy just reading, snuggled under a blanket on my sofa and every now and then going to get something to eat or drink.
I also struggle emotionally because now I am no longer at college I find it hard to get motivated and find a reason to do anything. Last week I even did an online shop for food mostly to get cat food though the weather didn't help as we have had so much rain and heavy winds that I haven't wanted to go out at all. I live about 10 minute walk from a supermarket which means it is too near to get a taxi and i don't want to get soaked or blown away and struggle with shopping.
Fitness - the air walker I ordered about a month ago arrived last week and yesterday I finally made myself use it. I went on it twice for about 10 minutes each time - enough to get out of breath and ache at least so that was a start. Today I am going to try to use my stepper with a you tube video to follow as well as the air walker so they should both make a difference too.
On the spur of the moment I ordered a fitbit one tracker and have started to use it since it arrived yesterday afternoon. It is tiny and clips to the top of my T shirt and it records everything online. After I went on the air walker I checked out my stats and was shocked to see the peaks on the graph where I had been on the air walker. I only managed 2000 steps which makes me realise how little i actually do each day so I now understand why my weight is stuck or it increases.
I also used the fitbit last night and was shocked to find that I woke every hour and that although I was in bed for around 10 hours I actually only slept for 5 so I am not getting enough sleep. Part of the reason I ordered the device was to check my sleep as I have thought for a long time that I may have sleep apnoea or at least don't get enough sleep and whilst this doesn't show if i have apnoea it does show me why I never feel rested after sleeping. I am going to keep track of it for a while and maybe talk to my doctor about it.
https://www.fitbit.com/uk
This is the link to the site. There are a few versions of the fitbit and you can choose the one that suits your needs - there is a very good comparison page to help you to find the one for you. They go from what seems like a pedometer to a whole body and fitness checker. I have bought the fitbit one and it is tiny and much better than i thought it would be - the only problem so far is that it doesn't have a British or European food list which means that you can't put food intake in - I knew about this from reading reviews but didn't think it would annoy me as much as it has. It can be linked to other food sites but I haven't worked out how to do this yet and the ones that I have looked at only seem to allow you to register prepacked convenience foods and not your own cooked from scratch meals which is a pain too.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_i_0_6?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=fitbit&sprefix=fitbit%2Caps%2C245
This is the link to Amazon uk where you can get the fitbit much cheaper than on the official site above and where I bought mine from.
It's been nearly 3 weeks now since I started to try to diet and apart from the initial 3.5 pounds my weight has not changed and i am very disappointed so felt like giving up. My food intake has been low and maybe it has been too low - I have only had 2 small meals a day so maybe I need to eat more but I just don't have any appetite which is amazing. Sometimes I do have cravings and did give in to some a couple of days ago and ate more - 6 small bags of cheese puffs over 2 days and a lot of toast and butter. I went onto a calorie counter site and found that the bread alone pushed my intake up a lot and I was shocked.
I am trying to improve my fitness instead as this must be the way to lose calories instead of food - I have heard on diet related programmes that diet is only a small part of losing weight and that exercise plays the bigger part so I am going to have to bite the bullet and do some. I really don't want to though. I have got very comfortable and cosy just reading, snuggled under a blanket on my sofa and every now and then going to get something to eat or drink.
I also struggle emotionally because now I am no longer at college I find it hard to get motivated and find a reason to do anything. Last week I even did an online shop for food mostly to get cat food though the weather didn't help as we have had so much rain and heavy winds that I haven't wanted to go out at all. I live about 10 minute walk from a supermarket which means it is too near to get a taxi and i don't want to get soaked or blown away and struggle with shopping.
Fitness - the air walker I ordered about a month ago arrived last week and yesterday I finally made myself use it. I went on it twice for about 10 minutes each time - enough to get out of breath and ache at least so that was a start. Today I am going to try to use my stepper with a you tube video to follow as well as the air walker so they should both make a difference too.
On the spur of the moment I ordered a fitbit one tracker and have started to use it since it arrived yesterday afternoon. It is tiny and clips to the top of my T shirt and it records everything online. After I went on the air walker I checked out my stats and was shocked to see the peaks on the graph where I had been on the air walker. I only managed 2000 steps which makes me realise how little i actually do each day so I now understand why my weight is stuck or it increases.
I also used the fitbit last night and was shocked to find that I woke every hour and that although I was in bed for around 10 hours I actually only slept for 5 so I am not getting enough sleep. Part of the reason I ordered the device was to check my sleep as I have thought for a long time that I may have sleep apnoea or at least don't get enough sleep and whilst this doesn't show if i have apnoea it does show me why I never feel rested after sleeping. I am going to keep track of it for a while and maybe talk to my doctor about it.
https://www.fitbit.com/uk
This is the link to the site. There are a few versions of the fitbit and you can choose the one that suits your needs - there is a very good comparison page to help you to find the one for you. They go from what seems like a pedometer to a whole body and fitness checker. I have bought the fitbit one and it is tiny and much better than i thought it would be - the only problem so far is that it doesn't have a British or European food list which means that you can't put food intake in - I knew about this from reading reviews but didn't think it would annoy me as much as it has. It can be linked to other food sites but I haven't worked out how to do this yet and the ones that I have looked at only seem to allow you to register prepacked convenience foods and not your own cooked from scratch meals which is a pain too.
http://www.amazon.co.uk/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_i_0_6?url=search-alias%3Daps&field-keywords=fitbit&sprefix=fitbit%2Caps%2C245
This is the link to Amazon uk where you can get the fitbit much cheaper than on the official site above and where I bought mine from.
Friday, 23 January 2015
The Past
A new year, a new start except that I didn't make resolutions as I never keep them and my 49th birthday a few weeks ago was a better time to start.
So, who am I and why am I writing this blog?
Four years ago I was diagnosed with depression and borderline personality disorder and spent the next couple of years trying different combinations of medication and therapy, Nearly a year ago we settled on my current combination and although it isn't a cure it does help,the problem is the side effects. Some of the medication causes weight gain by increasing appetite, causing cravings for carbs and sugar and making me more sedentary as I have been unable to work. Each time I had a meds increase I also gained a stone so in four and a half years I have gained 5 stone so changing me from a healthy 10 stone to a very unhealthy almost 15.
The weight gain is new to me because until going on the meds I had never been overweight, had eaten whatever I liked - but didn't have the cravings - and due to work and enjoying exercise I had always been active. I used to look at obese people and wonder how they had let themselves get that way and I was certain it would never happen to me. Perhaps it is Karma but I do now understand how easy it is to gain the weight, how it creeps up without one realising it's happening, how from the inside it doesn't feel any different. It's was only when my legs were rubbing together and getting sore, I started to get breathless, my ankles started to swell and I looked in the mirror and saw a stranger that I realised what had happened.
In the depths of depression I didn't care but as I started to feel better I did and by then the sedentary lifestyle and cravings had got a grip. I did push myself to go to college to gain some qualifications and each year had to order a new and bigger uniform but I kept telling myself that I just needed to get through the course and I do would do something about it; that when I got a job I would be more active; that I am old and no one would fancy me anyway and so on and so on and so on. I just kept coming up with excuses and turning a blind eye by not looking in the mirror.
Occasionally I saw myself in a photograph and was shocked into dieting for a couple of weeks. I went on the exante meal replacement diet and put up with the horrible flavours and textures for 3 weeks and I lost about 10lb. I was ill for a few weeks and lost almost a stone in two weeks! I joined a gym but didn't' go. I enrolled on an NHS diet and weight loss program called Energise, went for 2 weeks and hated it as it seemed to be similar to weight watchers as we were weighed in, had a dietary advice lesson and a short exercise class. I was very down those weeks and put weight on which made me more embarrassed and ashamed and the group was much older so I just felt uncomfortable and didn't carry on. Ridiculous really as it is a free program with support for a year
. With my mood swing I would binge badly and could eat a loaf of bread, a family size dessert, a family size main meal, huge bars of chocolate, 12 bags of crisps, half a block of cheese, a large bag of sweets all in one sitting. A size 20 in clothes seemed small compared with a size 24 that I really was and I rarely go clothes shopping, Now I order from online sites where no one sees me and I don't have to look in the mirror.
Last September I started a course and then dropped out two months later so now I am at home almost all of the time, I don't go out because i am too ashamed to be seen, I can't find a good enough reason to go out, i find excuses eg it's cold, wet, windy, I need to tidy the house, meditate or whatever and my weight continues to go up.
Now with a new birthday just gone things have to change as I can't live like this any more.
I thought that writing a blog might help me to be more accountable and to keep on track. Maybe others could share tips and we could help each other along.
So, who am I and why am I writing this blog?
Four years ago I was diagnosed with depression and borderline personality disorder and spent the next couple of years trying different combinations of medication and therapy, Nearly a year ago we settled on my current combination and although it isn't a cure it does help,the problem is the side effects. Some of the medication causes weight gain by increasing appetite, causing cravings for carbs and sugar and making me more sedentary as I have been unable to work. Each time I had a meds increase I also gained a stone so in four and a half years I have gained 5 stone so changing me from a healthy 10 stone to a very unhealthy almost 15.
The weight gain is new to me because until going on the meds I had never been overweight, had eaten whatever I liked - but didn't have the cravings - and due to work and enjoying exercise I had always been active. I used to look at obese people and wonder how they had let themselves get that way and I was certain it would never happen to me. Perhaps it is Karma but I do now understand how easy it is to gain the weight, how it creeps up without one realising it's happening, how from the inside it doesn't feel any different. It's was only when my legs were rubbing together and getting sore, I started to get breathless, my ankles started to swell and I looked in the mirror and saw a stranger that I realised what had happened.
In the depths of depression I didn't care but as I started to feel better I did and by then the sedentary lifestyle and cravings had got a grip. I did push myself to go to college to gain some qualifications and each year had to order a new and bigger uniform but I kept telling myself that I just needed to get through the course and I do would do something about it; that when I got a job I would be more active; that I am old and no one would fancy me anyway and so on and so on and so on. I just kept coming up with excuses and turning a blind eye by not looking in the mirror.
Occasionally I saw myself in a photograph and was shocked into dieting for a couple of weeks. I went on the exante meal replacement diet and put up with the horrible flavours and textures for 3 weeks and I lost about 10lb. I was ill for a few weeks and lost almost a stone in two weeks! I joined a gym but didn't' go. I enrolled on an NHS diet and weight loss program called Energise, went for 2 weeks and hated it as it seemed to be similar to weight watchers as we were weighed in, had a dietary advice lesson and a short exercise class. I was very down those weeks and put weight on which made me more embarrassed and ashamed and the group was much older so I just felt uncomfortable and didn't carry on. Ridiculous really as it is a free program with support for a year
. With my mood swing I would binge badly and could eat a loaf of bread, a family size dessert, a family size main meal, huge bars of chocolate, 12 bags of crisps, half a block of cheese, a large bag of sweets all in one sitting. A size 20 in clothes seemed small compared with a size 24 that I really was and I rarely go clothes shopping, Now I order from online sites where no one sees me and I don't have to look in the mirror.
Last September I started a course and then dropped out two months later so now I am at home almost all of the time, I don't go out because i am too ashamed to be seen, I can't find a good enough reason to go out, i find excuses eg it's cold, wet, windy, I need to tidy the house, meditate or whatever and my weight continues to go up.
Now with a new birthday just gone things have to change as I can't live like this any more.
I thought that writing a blog might help me to be more accountable and to keep on track. Maybe others could share tips and we could help each other along.
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