The Past

A new year, a  new start except that I didn't make resolutions as I never keep them and my 49th birthday a few weeks ago was a better time to start.

So, who am I and why am I writing this blog?

Four years ago I was diagnosed with depression and borderline personality disorder and spent the next couple of years trying different combinations of medication and therapy, Nearly a year ago we settled on my current combination and although it isn't a cure it does help,the problem is the side effects. Some of the medication causes weight gain by increasing appetite, causing cravings for carbs and sugar and making me more sedentary as I have been unable to work. Each time I had a meds increase I also gained a stone so in four and a half years I have gained 5 stone so changing me from a healthy 10 stone to a very unhealthy almost 15.
  The weight gain is new to me because until going on the meds I had never been overweight, had eaten whatever I liked - but didn't have the cravings - and due to work and enjoying exercise I had always been active. I used to look at obese people and wonder how they had let themselves get that way and I was certain it would never happen to me. Perhaps it is Karma but I do now understand how easy it is to gain the weight, how it creeps up without one realising it's happening, how from the inside it doesn't feel any different. It's was only when my legs were rubbing together and getting sore, I started to get breathless, my ankles started to swell and I looked in the mirror and saw a stranger that I realised what had happened.
   In the depths of depression I didn't care but as I started to feel better I did and by then the sedentary lifestyle and cravings had got a grip. I did push myself to go to college to gain some qualifications and each year had to order a new and bigger uniform but I kept telling myself that I just needed to get through the course and I do would do something about it; that when I got a job I would be more active; that I am old and no one would fancy me anyway and so on and so on and so on. I just kept coming up with excuses and turning a blind eye by not looking in the mirror.

 Occasionally I saw myself in a photograph and was shocked into dieting for a couple of weeks. I went on the exante meal replacement diet and put up with the horrible flavours and textures for 3 weeks and I lost about 10lb. I was ill for a few weeks and lost almost a stone in two weeks! I joined a gym but didn't' go. I enrolled on an NHS diet and weight loss program called Energise, went for 2 weeks and hated it as it seemed to be similar to weight watchers as we were weighed in, had a dietary advice lesson and a short exercise class. I was very down those weeks and put weight on which made me more embarrassed and ashamed and the group was much older so I just felt uncomfortable and didn't carry on. Ridiculous really as it is a free program with support for a year

. With my mood swing I would binge badly and could eat a loaf of bread, a family size dessert, a family size main meal, huge bars of chocolate, 12 bags of crisps, half a block of cheese, a large bag of sweets all in one sitting. A size 20 in clothes seemed small compared with a size 24 that I really was and I rarely go clothes shopping, Now I order from online sites where no one sees me and I don't have to look in the mirror.

    Last September I started a course and then dropped out two months later so now I am at home almost all of the time, I don't go out because i am too ashamed to be seen, I can't find a good enough reason to go out, i find excuses eg it's cold, wet, windy, I need to tidy the house, meditate or whatever and my weight continues to go up.

      Now with a new birthday just gone things have to change as I can't live like this any more.
I thought that writing a blog might help me to be more accountable and to keep on track. Maybe others could share tips and we could help each other along.